I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Holy shit he’s back
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
For cardio I live beyond my means.