I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
work smarter, not harder
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.