I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
one of
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”