I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.