I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*puts my mental health in rice
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR