I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Had to try this trend 😊
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os