I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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🚲+physics = winner
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee