I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
be careful
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.