I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Wise advice
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.