I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”