I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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i baked you a cake
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?