I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
how was your vacation
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫