I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me opening up to someone
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.