I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night