@JimmerThatisAll: I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.
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@kevinseccia: I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date* Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime? Her: was- was that a mop?
@ClichedOut: (first date) Her: I work in a science lab. Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.