Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”