@zachreinert03: I hate "save the date" engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out "hey forget about that one date 6 months ago" cards
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@pinningnut: It's a dark stormy night. You're scared & alone. You hear a bump in the night. You jump! You scream! Then your cat comes in the house drunk.
@ARealTinderella: You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper ...
@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@Dschnoeb: Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.