I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Extremely relatable.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
U talkin 2 me?