I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.