“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I hate everything
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment