I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
WTF