I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You Might Also Like
When I snag the last meatball.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.