I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.