I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Doctors texting each other.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
checking out some reviews of my local library
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.