I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Check out the legs on this baby
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Science memes
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.