I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I get distracted pretty eas
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[on my way back to the posting caves]
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”