@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1 HER: being alone ME: a clown eating my hotdog
@Brianhopecomedy: If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I'd say, "Contact Him" while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.
@DaddyJew: Honey, I think the milks gone bad "what makes you say that dear?" *milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where's your purse?