@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
@JohnLyonTweets: Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
@awordforaword: Doesn't get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner. Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.