[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.