@InternetHippo: I hate the future
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@HeatherLuvsYou: I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
@envydatropic: First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
@markleggett: I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.