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@InternetHippo: I hate the future
@Thedudish: If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
@amydillon: [kicks in your door to apologize to you]
@Sean_Burgundy_: Hitman: Hey what's up
Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
@BadassBarbie11: The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
@NotARatsAss: I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.