When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af