[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets