I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Check your privilege
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.