I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
We’re all getting idioter.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
(Electricians.)
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.