I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
This is sending me to another galaxy
🙅🏻
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.