I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
peeping toms
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes