I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true