I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories