@Brohamulet: I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn't really work otherwise.
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@ClichedOut: They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese. Out of me and my 4 siblings, I'm pretty sure it's either Carl or Liu Yang.
@flyafuckingkite: When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.
@TheCiscoKidder: How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.