I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.