I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
You Might Also Like
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense