I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Mission: Impossible
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.