@imhhk: I hate "two-faced" people.
It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
@LurkAtHomeMom: When people say let's stop fighting and act like a family, that's where I get confused.
@navanax: I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
@Social_Mime: Wife - You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me - You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
@Breadery: I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.
@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you're scared
Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit