[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week