If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.