🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
You Might Also Like
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
How do you like your Corgi?
Awwwww shit.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture