[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.