I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
😬
I wanna be friends with this person