I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side