@mattingebretson: I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
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@KyleMcDowell86: Im sorry I yelled "GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married
@TheToddWilliams: "Nothing is certain, except death and taxis." Don't you mean "ta-- *gets run over by a cab*
@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
@TheMichaelRock: Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!