@mattingebretson: I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
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@EJGomez: [introducing you to my family] "this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"
@Consent2Treat: I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
@BrettDruck: It's always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They're like "Hey i'm a pretty good wall too."
@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT