[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Print is alive and well!!!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Every haunted house movie:
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry