imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.