I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
You Might Also Like
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
They got Raph!
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.