I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner