I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
How about daylight saves us for once
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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